First Flock: Honoring Family in the Midst of Ministry
Why tending to your home is essential—not optional—for faithful and lasting ministry.
"He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church?"—1 Tim. 3:4-5 (ESV)
It was 9:30 p.m. when Jason finally walked in the door after back-to-back meetings, sermon prep, and a hospital visit. The house was quiet. His wife had gone to bed early—again—and the dinner plate on the counter was cold. He hadn’t seen his kids all day. He collapsed on the couch, having served everyone but the ones he loved most.
Jason’s story isn’t unique. For many ministry leaders, family life often feels like it competes with ministry life. The pressure to be available, responsive, and tireless can quietly erode the very relationships meant to sustain us.
But your family is not a detour from your calling—it is your first calling.
Real Struggles Behind the Smiles
Though pastors may experience lower divorce rates than the general population, ministry still takes a toll. Even when infidelity isn’t involved, the relentless demands of church life can wear away at a marriage. When a ministry couple divorces, it’s rarely just a personal loss—it often results in a premature exit from ministry, leaving deep wounds both at home and in the church family.
Our children aren’t untouched either. Like their peers, they face questions about faith, but also bear added burdens: isolation, scrutiny, and the pressure to perform. These struggles don’t always show up as rebellion—but they can silently erode the heart over time.
Ministry families often live in two worlds. Outwardly, there's service and fruitfulness. But inwardly—within marriages, parenting, and home rhythms—there can be fatigue, misalignment, and slow erosion.
Whether pastors or lay leaders, the cracks are real: the drift of the heart, emotional disconnect between spouses, children growing weary of ministry as obligation instead of overflow. If this describes your life, know that you’re not alone.
First Things First: Grace For the Ones Closest to You
Instead of bemoaning our plight, let’s consider this differently: How might we shepherd our families first so that they support our ministry and strengthen our testimony? Here are three common struggles ministry families can face and how we might approach them from a different angle.
1. “I talk about grace, but I’m short-tempered at home.”
This one has plagued me the most, so let’s start with it! It’s hard to give grace when your own tank is empty. Ministry can be draining, and home can become the place where frustration spills out.
But God never intended you to run on fumes. The gospel reminds us that grace isn’t something we perform—it’s something we receive. And this grace is what makes the truth we profess tangible and real in our homes. Our families need both.
The gospel gives us permission to admit our wrongs and seek forgiveness because our identity is no longer anchored in being right or looking good—but in being redeemed. Our standing with God doesn’t change based on whether we parented well today, handled our emotions perfectly, or responded patiently. It’s secured in Christ.
When we forget that, we tend to defend ourselves, hide, or blame. But when we remember the gospel, we can humbly confess to our loved ones without fear. Why? Because the worst about us has already been exposed—and covered. And the best about us isn’t our performance—it’s Christ in us.
So in a moment of failure, instead of shifting blame or shutting down, we can simply say, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” Those words don’t make us weak and may speak louder than a thousand devotions. They reflect strength—the kind that comes from being safe in the love of God.
2. “My spouse and I function like coworkers, not companions.”
Serving together in ministry is a gift—but over time, shoulder-to-shoulder can become back-to-back. You start with shared purpose, but tasks replace togetherness, and emotional distance sets in—not from conflict, but from neglect.
Ironically, it often comes from good intentions. We care about God’s people and pour ourselves out—but forget to pour into each other. Little concessions become habits. Ministry begins to edge out marriage.
But let’s remember: your marriage is also a ministry. A healthy marriage ministers to your children, your church, and your community. A marriage that reflects Christ and His bride (Eph. 5:22–33) doesn’t have to be perfect—but it does need tending.
If you’ve drifted—and you’re not alone—make space to admit what’s happening and then move toward reconnection. Take time to regularly ask—and listen—to questions like:
What’s been heavy—or joyful—for you this week?
How can I love and refresh you this week?
Is there anything we need to realign in ministry and at home?
If the breach feels too wide, don’t try to address it alone. If possible, invite a trusted friend to pray for your marriage, focusing your requests on your own heart, not your spouse’s faults. Give them permission to check in for support and accountability.
Protecting your marriage doesn’t require grand gestures. But small, steady moments of grace go a long way. Pray together. Speak honestly. Seek counsel when needed.
Being in ministry doesn’t make you immune to marital struggles. You’re still a sinner in need of grace—but that’s also where gospel renewal can begin.
3. “Our kids get the leftovers.”
Like our spouses, our children need intentional time and care. But unlike adults, they’re still being formed. Neglect in marriage can create distance but neglect in parenting during our children’s formative years can shape their identity and faith.
This sobering thought still calls me to account when I’m tempted to squeeze in another ministry opportunity. Ministry is life-giving; I enjoy using my gifts and receiving affirmation. Parenting, by contrast, is often repetitive, unseen, and emotionally draining. My kids don’t always appreciate what I do, and I face my flaws up close, which can be discouraging.
Yet the quiet work of shaping hearts at home may be more eternally significant than any public ministry. Every apology, gentle correction, or patient listen is a gospel moment that echoes far beyond any ministry we offer.
Parenting disciples us too, teaching humility, sacrifice, and faithfulness in the daily rhythms. Each bedtime story or hard conversation becomes an opportunity to grow in Christlikeness. Our goal isn’t just good behavior in our kids or simply being a good example to those we lead—it’s hearts that know and love Jesus. This truth sobers me, reminding me that what happens privately at home carries eternal weight, not just for my family but for me as well.
So be present in daily life—playtime, meals, bedtime. Ask, What matters most for my children’s hearts? How can I prioritize that? These ordinary moments and routines cannot be underestimated.
Let’s not pit ministry and parenting against each other. Even better, think about how our children can join us in our work—through prayer, service, or accompanying us on ministry opportunities. In doing so, we live out the call of Deuteronomy 6:4-9. They see the gospel lived out in us as we go as they serve alongside with us.
A Better Vision: Ministry Through Family, Not Despite It
The good news is that it’s never too late to realign your heart and home. What if, instead of seeing your family as something to manage around your ministry, you saw them as central to it?
Your home is not a detour from kingdom work: it’s the training ground. These ordinary, and often exhausting, moments of love, confession, and formation are not distractions. They are where the gospel is made visible.
Let’s recap and reframe:
View your family as your primary discipleship field.
Let home rhythms shape ministry rhythms.
Include your children spiritually in what you do.
Be honest when your marriage or parenting needs shepherding.
Invite community to walk with you, speak truth, and reinforce the gospel in your family culture.
If you need help navigating this balance of home and ministry life, we at OakHaven Ministries are here to help you shepherd your home well:
Need space to reset your family rhythms? Consider a guided retreat with your spouse.
Want help processing where your marriage is right now? Ask about our biblical counseling intensives for couples.
Desire a church culture where home discipleship overflows into ministry? Email us to discuss how to equip your church.
When your soul is anchored in Christ, your home becomes a wellspring of grace from which your public ministry can flow—real, rooted, and true.