Before the Pulpit: Why Your Home Life Matters in Ministry
“Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church?”—1 Tim. 3:2-5 (ESV)
With the end of summer fast approaching and another school year on the horizon, many of us find our thoughts turning to our children. For those in ministry, this season can also prompt deeper reflection—especially if we take Paul’s words to Timothy and Titus seriously. These instructions about the qualifications for church leaders carry significant implications for our parenting, and Paul doesn’t just mention them once. He repeats them in 1 Timothy 3 and again in Titus 1.
In short, Paul reminds us that a core qualification for ministry is not found in a leader’s theological training or public speaking skills—valuable though those are. Equally essential is the quality of a leader’s home life. How a man leads, loves, and shepherds his wife and children reveals much about how he will exercise godly authority in the household of God.
Though Paul addresses pastors and elders directly, his principle reaches further. Genesis 1:28’s call to “be fruitful and multiply… and have dominion” begins with the children entrusted to our care. In this way, his words apply to every Christian parent, not only those with a formal role in the church.
Our homes are meant to be little outposts of God’s kingdom—small communities where the gospel is lived out daily, not just on Sundays. The way we relate to our families during the week should be a living testimony to the same spiritual truths we profess in worship.
Of course, this is easier said than done. As believers who still wrestle with indwelling sin, we may be tempted to pour our best energy into public ministry while neglecting the quiet, unseen work of leading our own families well. Yet according to Paul, this should not be the case.
Understanding What God Does—and Doesn’t—Require
Before we go further, it’s important to be clear on what Paul’s instructions in Titus 1:6 and 1 Timothy 3 do and do not mean.
First, God is not calling for perfect families. Sinful people living under the same roof will always have conflict, weakness, and failure. Perfection is not the standard—faithfulness is.
Second, this does not require that all a pastor’s children be born again. The ESV footnote explains that “his children are believers” can also be translated as “faithful”—not necessarily regenerate. In context, Paul is addressing the visible order and character of the home. The point is not that a father can control the saving work of the Spirit, but that he should lead a home marked by respectful order and godly training. [See these posts from John Piper and Justin Taylor for more insights.]
With that in mind, the text points toward children who are respectfully submissive (“with all dignity”) to their father’s leadership. This kind of response often grows in a home where authority is exercised with both firmness and affection. The father is present and intentional, actively training his children toward obedience while cultivating an atmosphere of love and respect.
As John Calvin put it, “The house of a believer ought to be like a little church… he who cannot obtain from his children any reverence or subjection… will hardly be able to restrain the people by the bridle of discipline.” In other words, the home becomes a training ground where God shapes a man for shepherding the church.
Guarding Your Family While Serving the Church
Caring for the church will sometimes require sacrifice from your family—but this should be the exception, not the rule. There may be intense seasons where ministry demands more than usual, but “survival mode” should not become a way of life.
If you sense that your home life may be slipping into the background, here are some heart-check questions for reflection:
Am I actively leading my home, or am I passive in my responsibilities?
Have I drifted into “performance mode” at home—masking fatigue, avoiding honest conversation, or relating to my family as if they were my congregation?
What would my children say about how I live out my faith when no one else is watching?
Would my home life commend my leadership to my church family?
Do I see household challenges as assignments from the Lord to shape me for ministry?
When ministry demands are high, do I still make intentional time to connect with my children? Do they sense that they come before my ministry in my heart and attention?
Do my wife and children experience me as gentle and loving, even when I must correct or lead firmly?
Are my children generally moving toward respectful obedience, or away from it?
When I correct my children, do I do it with dignity, or do I lose my temper and respectability?
Am I helping my children personally know God, or only know about Him through me?
The Long View
Some of the most heartbreaking stories in ministry involve leaders whose children walk away from the faith. While each person is responsible before God for their own heart, some leaders admit with grief that they did not steward well the time they had at home. Time invested in your family cannot guarantee your children will come to faith—but neglecting that investment almost certainly guarantees a cost.
In God’s wisdom, loving your family well is not only part of your calling—it’s a gift to your ministry. A healthy home life strengthens your credibility, deepens your compassion, and gives you firsthand experience of the grace and patience you will need as you shepherd God’s people.
So as the school season arrives, we invite you to pause. Ask the Lord to search your heart. Choose one or two questions from above and take them to Him in prayer. Then take a step—small but intentional—to love and lead your family as Christ loves and leads His church.